Truth Or Delusion?
The transition from Viet Nam to lovely, dusty, noisy Cambodia has been a real “challenge”. The whole country throbs with noise (mainly “music” coming from many directions), and sits in a continual cloud of dust, stirred up by cars and motorbikes, like the “Pigpen” character in the “Peanuts” comic strip.
I’ve been talking to skeeters (mosquitoes) and flies, mostly threats; my mattress is hard and lumpy; I have to wear earplugs more than I’d like; and I have felt sorry for myself on more than one occasion, despite some good and promising things that seem to be taking shape.
One thing I’m really learning, though, is that I’m not a disciple, regardless of the name of this blog.
If a disciple of Jesus is someone who:
is fully committed to the carrying out and fulfillment of the Lord’s purposes and agenda…
bears with hardships, difficulties and misunderstanding as he/she goes about pursuing that agenda…
has forsaken their own wants and desires and seeks only to please and satisfy the Master…
has counted all things as rubbish in order to know the Lord and the power of His resurrection…
has his/her heart set on things above rather than things of this earth and life…
looks upon people, and their eternal state and destiny, with great compassion and care…
loves all (actively seeking for their highest and best), even their enemies…
sits at the Lord’s feet, always learning more from Him and applying what they have learned to their life…
strives for love and unity with other believers so the world might know that the Father sent the Son, and loves them…
gives off the odor of life to some, and death to others, and nothing in between…
is willing to suffer for the sake of the Lord’s purposes, honor and agenda…
no longer lives, but manifests the life, nature and ways of the Lord, Jesus, regardless of their circumstances…
then I don’t know a single disciple and this blog should actually be called “Endtime Disciple Wannabes”.
Of course, I understand that it’s a process and nobody’s going to walk it out perfectly, but… do I know anyone, including myself, who’s overall pattern of life fits the above standards? I can’t say that I do. The best I know of are people who look… who seem… pretty halfway decent from a religious, “Christian” perspective.
The thing that becomes more and more clear to me as I seek to walk the road of biblical discipleship is this… I am not a disciple and I have a long way to go before I am one. I need to live in truth, not in delusion, but it sure isn’t pleasant.
Another thing that is becoming increasingly clear is… with man (me) this is impossible.
Now, if I can only get off the Christian treadmill-merry-go-round, there is hope. A normal merry-go-round takes you round and round, up and down, as you sit on a horse statue. A Christian treadmill-merry-go-round replaces the horse statue with a treadmill.
The treadmill-merry-go-round is characterized by… self-effort and striving… being spoiled and cranky when things don’t go my way… getting upset, inwardly, not outwardly (OK! Maybe a little outwardly) when others, including God, don’t go along with my vision or purposes… easily getting distracted… having fears and doubts about what lies ahead… moving up and down with the winds of circumstance… and lots more, similar “stuff”.
There’s only one way off, and that’s through death and resurrection… the putting off of the old man and putting on of the new… the taking hold of the Lord by faith as Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, all-in-all… as my very life. I know these things, for crying out loud!
God has already provided all this. Why does it get so complicated? Thank God I’ve had some tastes of these realities, but they have been rather few and far between. What’s the problem?
Is it a lack of childlike trust? Am I too much of an adult?
Is there too much religious flesh fouling up the works? Personal ambition?
Do I plainly and simply not believe? Am I double-minded?
Too much head-knowledge and not enough heart-knowledge?
Am I lazy and/or lethargic?
Is it really the Buddhists who have it right?
All of the above?
God knows the answers, and, if anyone else has some worthwhile ideas, let me know.
The One who brought me out, twenty-eight years ago (at least it hasn’t been forty, yet), will have to bring me in, but I sense I’ll have to learn to truly enter into His rest, as Hebrews 4 talks about.
I’ll bet there’s at least one reader who’s happy I’m back on the blog trail.
Goodnight from lovely, dusty, noisy Cambodia. 
My dear brother Geno
Been missing your posts, chats and e-mails and am really glad you have decided to ‘pop your head in’ for a mo. I have been praying for you and I really know how tough it gets walking in Him, alone. Dear, dear brother, I know you know all I am going to say to you, but I so want to encourage you again, to let our Lord show you how to find that rest in Him. It is so incredibly hard on us to unlearn not some times all times. This whole thing is still about dying to your self. Seeing where you are still holding on and where He wants and needs you to let go.
Don’t be discouraged – accept all this that is happening in joy. What you share here is a very large truth. It can never be about us, ever. Unless the Lord shows us what we are about, we never can and never will see what we are and where we still fall short. It is not about us it is all about Jesus’ love on a cross and what that means to His Father.
Keep on treading on that Christian treadmill, it is one foot in front of the other. Sometimes it is 2 steps forward and 4 steps back. You will always have Him for company, and if all others fade away, you will still never, ever be alone. He is all sufficient.
Bless you.
Dear ETDW,
Count me among those who have been missing you.
My, my, that was a lot of groaning. Reminded me of a verse in a chapter I’m memorizing:
“For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.
“And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.
“For in HOPE we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope, for why does one also hope for what he sees?
“But if we HOPE for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.”
I pray that our Father will give you eyes to see what He wants you to see, ears to hear what He wants you to hear, and wisdom to learn what He is teaching you right now. (Then pass it on to us who are waiting to hear and learn from you!)
By the way, ours is the only true and Living God. The Buddhists do not have it right.
Jesus sent His disciples out two by two. Please tell me you are not alone there. Surely you will find another brother likeminded?
In any case, Eyes up! Reread Hebrews 12:1-3. Consider Him . . . so that you may not grow weary and lose heart.
That was a whole month we went without hearing from you. Did you at least journal?
I write as though you’re going to answer me. In any case, I’m sure I wasn’t the only person in the world checking daily to see if you were back yet.
The battle here is ferocious.
Please stay connected.
Jessie and MJ,
Thanks for your comments, love and prayers. You have been, and remain, major blessings to me. Your insights and encouragement mean a great deal. I especially appreciate MJ calling me ETDW.
Some good connections SEEM to be developing. I am cautiously optimistic.
I am thinking of doing email with those who’d like more in-depth info on what’s going on here.
It’s been good having my computer back, finally. The internet cafes I’ve used before now are not too good, and some bad characters (skeeters) like to hang out there.
Thanks also, to those who commented on “Quick Update”.
yeah. i am a disciple wannabe.. great post Gene.. missed you!
I’m a wannabe too. At least we are aware of our condition and always seeking Jesus. I have thought of you much, Gene, and it is a joy to see you are okay. Stay strong in the Lord, brother, and I agree with the 2 by 2 statement. Where 2 or more are gathered there He is also. Much evil out there trying to destroy us. Don’t be such a stranger! I am such a spazz and I tend to freak out like a mom who lost her baby. I’m working on my issues but I need your help!
Peace and love in Christ!
Carol
Dear Geno,
I am so with you on these questions! I take comfort in the fact that I have only been on this journey for two years now, not twenty-eight
Unless, of course, I consider that I may have been born again way back when I was 17 and gave up trying to be perfect after three years?? That would mean I was truly a prodigal (and let me tell you I was good at that!) and God has pursued this lost sheep until I came back to the fold after 30 years.
I feel very much like you, but please remember that discipleship is learning. The disciples didn’t get any of what Jesus said, and patiently explained, to them until after His resurrection and Pentecost. I think what’s missing is many of us haven’t quite had that Pentecost moment yet?
As for your questions:
Is it a lack of childlike trust? Am I too much of an adult?
Of course!
Is there too much religious flesh fouling up the works?
Absolutely!
Personal ambition?
Probably. Kinda hard to dump the old man we drag around all the time…even if he is dead.
Do I plainly and simply not believe?
You believe brother!!
Am I double-minded?
No, you just haven’t learned all the truth yet.
Too much head-knowledge and not enough heart-knowledge?
I would bet that’s true, to some extent, for both of us.
Am I lazy and/or lethargic?
There you go complaining about the flesh again! Of course you are, but not as badly as you think.
Is it really the Buddhists who have it right?
No way, no how! Ask any of them what their hope is. Is their life “hidden” in anyone? Do they “know” their Redeemer’s name?
All of the above?
You are human, frail and well intentioned. And you are very flawed.
But, remember Jesus didn’t say “Blessed are those who are full of righteousness”. No, He said “Blessed are those who mourn NOW” and “Blessed are the poor in spirit” and also, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they WILL be filled.”
The fact that you are dissatisfied speaks more than anything that you are pursuing God and His holiness. I’m on the same road brother. Very frustrated and feeling very lost where I am. But, I believe God is getting me there for He has promised “Seek, and you WILL find, ask and it SHALL be given to you”.
Keep the faith brother!
“Beloved, we are God’s children NOW, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that WHEN HE APPEARS we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3:2 ESV)
Amen PK!